Horrific Homonyms

Homonyms... They're enough to make me wince because people mess them up so often. However, I can see where these mistakes come from, so I can at least empathize, as long as the writer puts in the effort to avoid using the wrong word.

Homonyms are among the very things that make the English language so hard. However, I must add that other languages have similar problems. Through my degree in French, I can think of a few examples in which a slight mispronunciation could completely alter the meaning of what you said...

There are the simple homonyms like there, their and they're or two, to and too (no, I'm not going dancing...)

But then there are lots of others that people may not even realize are homonyms.

So what is a homonym? Homonyms are words that sound or are spelled alike but have different meanings, depending on how they are used.

Homophones sound the same and may be more likely to be recognized as a homonym. Homographs are spelled the same.

Here's an example... Your car sure doesn't look hale after that hail storm moved through.

Thus hail and farewell mine faithful steed.
Off to the junkyard with thee.
For now another in thine stead
Must needs meet my needs.

Should you get caught in that said hail storm, hit the deck! And I'm not talking about a house of cards!

Hale - to be healthy, able-bodied.

Hail - well you could be saying hello to someone or calling out to them, as in to hail a cab, but most people are going to think of those hard pellets and balls of ice that can fall during thunderstorms.

Deck - a set of 52 playing cards or perhaps 78 Tarot cards. But there is also the deck of a sea-going vessel, or perhaps of a starship if you are a scifi fan. And if you don't know what that second one is, then someone might deck you!!

Like the way words change through history, some homonyms fall out of general use. Thus they become obsolete, or perhaps forgotten altogether.

Alas the tales of yore do fade
Till nothing but gibberish remains.
Once those tales round the hearth were told
For in those days, such tales were germane.

You're probably wondering about those tales of yore, the stories of yesteryear. Well, take a look at your book of fairy or folk tales.

Here's some I thought of for the holiday shopping season - Be careful or you might get mauled at the mall!

There was also plenty of fear that the weak economy would have made the big shopping week drag...

Either way, you needed to move quick to get the buy you wanted or you could wave it bye!

Please don't patronize me, or I will not patronize your establishment again.

Maybe you wouldn't mind my making a couple religious references...

In some sects, sex is a big no no. Just look at the Puritans for that one. They probably had one or two days a month in which to engage in such carnal delights. However, they most likely would not have found it a pleasure but a biblical duty.

Indeed their women were most likely chaste, and certainly not chased through the streets... Though Hester sure chased after her daughter's father, not her husband.

It's kind of hard to come up with jokes and playful phrases for all of the sets of words I found. So here's a bunch of sentences using homonyms I have collected in the past several months...

It was a lovely day on the isle when the young woman marched down the aisle.

The holy man prayed for any kind of help he could get, but all his efforts seemed wholly pointless and the roof of the building remained holey, even during the deep cold of winter, making the sanctuary almost unusable.

Singing in praise, the entire congregation prays for deliverance and peace. Meanwhile, somewhere in the world... A predator preys on innocent flesh...

Tears blurred the archaeologist's sight when she saw how the dig site had been desecrated.

The principal has to uphold her principle with regards to educating students and discipline in classrooms.

The marshall tried to marshal all the people once martial law had been declared in the city. A curfew was instated as were many other restrictions, with which the people were not happy.

The aide rendered aid as it was asked for. I hope he doesn't need a hearing aid, or he won't be as effective.

Using tacks to organize your tax information may not be a good idea...

That showed a lack of tact when he tacked that awful poster over the lovely mural.

Why would you want a hanger in the hangar? No closets.

To punish someone in olden days, that person might be wracked by pain by tightening the rack. I wonder if perhaps the person might have been a bit too obvious in ogling the lady's rack...

While the wind turned the vane on top of the house, the doctor searched in vain for a vein in his patient's arm.

Hour by hour, our work progresses apace.

Sometimes you have to reach higher in order to get that notice of hire.

The Pole leaned against the pole while being asked various questions in a poll. As long as it wasn't about magnets, he seemed fine.

I guess you could say the tree ceded its seeds as the season turned and the wind blew the little helicopter-like maple pods away.

It takes many steps from shearing to cleaning to carding and spinning to weaving and more before such a sheer cloth can be made. I hope the winds do not sheer too much, or the fragile fabric may be damaged.

You might find a mite in those nasty sheets.

You could go back for the ore, which will slow you down, or you could just grab the oars and get across the lake faster.

There is no way I would ask you how much you weigh! I know I don't like to admit to mine!

It seems such a waste to see a woman walk by who has no waist or any other curves because she practically starves herself to meet an impossible ideal of beauty. Nothing but a stick she is, with very little to even mark her as a woman!

I hope this pallet of wines I brought up for the celebration will tantalize your palette and lift your spirits.

I need to pare the pair of pears I picked up at the store.

How about an I haz Cheezburger-like reference? Oh noes! My nose knows you haz tuna!

The sole soul wandered the building all alone... Here's hoping there isn't a sole flopping on the floor because that would make the sole of that person's shoe most slick!

Or perhaps you are a Harry Potter fan? There are two sets in this one - Uh oh, someone just threw a Dungbomb! The reek is wreaking havoc as everyone's trying to get through the one door!

I must say, I peeked at the book, which piqued my interest. I wonder if the series is like a jagged mountain, peaked with plot twists hiding the conclusion until the very end!

The present seems like a good time to present the present. Or the dove dove to avoid the cat's claws. (Yes, most of these two come from an e-mail that used to circulate every now and then.)

For a more unique one, the prettiest presents seems to have a presence about them, that little something that draws the eye. I can't help but glance at them.

Do you know whether or not the weather will ruin our picnic.

The rain got his reins wet, marking a damp beginning to the young prince's reign, especially when he lost his grip.

Nay, I did not hear the horses neigh when they were disturbed.

What a bore, is there anything better to hunt than boar?

He cocked his pistol while the cock crowed to greet the morning sun. (I could certainly make a sexual reference here, but I don't think that's necessary as I'm fairly sure you can already figure out exactly what I might have written for yourself!)

He spent the morning mourning his loss, and then turned to drink to drown his sorrows.

There is naught you can do to untie that knot. Many have tried and failed. At least until Alexander who would not allow anything to stand in his way and used his sword to cut through the Gorgon's Knot.

I can't bear to see your bare rear! And I hope you don't see a bear when you get out of your tent!

The troupe of players trooped into the room en mass.

I don't think you can do much to mold the mold into any kind of contained shape. It's just going to spore and get absolutely everywhere!

Along the same lines of that one... The moulding was molding and had to be completely torn out of the old house. (Yes that is a variant spelling.)

No silly! I'm not looking to buy a new pair of jeans! I'm examining the genes in this strand of DNA...

I'm bored with this board game.

I like to listen to tales told at the hearth, some of which have animals with many tails.

It looks like quite a feat when a cat lands on its feet after falling off a bookshelf.

Pay you no mind to my twisting words
For my mind is twisted and twined
It will wind and wend all over the place
And who the hell knows where you'll wind up
But look not to the pitchers mound now
For this will come out of left field.

Keep in mind that this is by no means a complete list of all the homonyms in the English language. I've been bouncing a few others around, thinking of adding them to this. But I saw how long my list had gotten and I decided to leave some out... There are probably even ones associated with the ones I've used that I haven't included. So if you think of one I don't have here, feel free to add it, especially if you can use it/them in a sentence!

(This is just me being a bit geeky, not that this whole post hasn't been. But if you have never seen the Robot Chicken spoof of Schoolhouse Rock in which they talk about homonyms... Well, here you go! This link is from Meta Tube.)